thepaintedman rates this:

Assuming all movies start out in my head somewhere around 6 or 7 stars (I try to go in optimistically), this one went in with 8. The concept was hilarious and my expectations about production value and plot were low, thus allowing me to grade on a nice steep curve. Unfortunately, it didn’t even live up to the low standard I was to be grading it on and by the mid point of the movie, my wife and I had it on but weren’t really paying too much attention.

So, we’ll do this review a bit differently, seeing as how my attention was in and out. Rather than a simple review, I’ll show you how I came up with my 3 star rating.

Starting Point: 8 stars.

-3 for Jesus having glued on facial hair (5)
+2 for Jesus in spandex superhero costume (7)
-4 for the annoying angels (3)
+2 for having the Antichrist be the NYC Parks Commissioner (5)
+2 for involvement of Vlad the Impaler (7)
-3 for involvement of Jim Morrison (4)
-1 for Richard Nixon being a supervillian (3)
+1 for Richard Nixon being a guy in a crappy Nixon mask (4)
-4 for the hideously annoying Klezmer soundtrack (0)
+3 for the following quote (3)

The crucifix is the symbol of Christianity? I HATED the crucifix! OUCH!

-2 for Jesus’s erectile stigmata (1)
+1 for Jesus destroying Adolf Hitler (2)
+2 for Jesus decreeing sex no longer a sin (4)
-1 for the sex decree thing going over the top (3)
+3 for being compared to JCVH (6)
-3 for not being nearly as cool as JCVH (3)

So there you have it, folks. Ultrachrist!… 3 stars. Bad, but not quite Freddie Got Fingered bad.

If you happened to see it, why not tell me what you think?

For starters, here is a clip from Michael Jackson’s classic film Moonwalker:

Now, here’s what is coming up in the next few days on the site:

-Tomorrow, the first of two great interviews on TPM this week will be posted… an introduction to everyone’s favorite nerd rapper, Beefy.

-On Tuesday, the review of the Skylife EP scheduled for last week will be posted. Sorry for the delay.

-Later this week, expect an interview with Heather of Kissing Cousins, a review of Ultrachrist!, a look at the Purplish Rain, and some beer for good measure (the new Troegs Scratch Beer to be exact).

The above picture is of my father’s day card from my son, Cash. It is a card by Jean Francis Bean that my wife got on Etsy. Etsy is awesome, it’s like the Amazon for awesome handmade and vintage stuff.

Anyway, here are some updates now that my incredible first Father’s Day is over.

To begin, let’s start with what’s coming up this week on TPM:

-My review of Lords of Chaos, a fantastic study of the Black Metal scene that I just re-read, should be up before I go to sleep tomorrow.

- The Young Werewolves most recent album Cheat the Devil is fantastic. A review will be up on Tuesday.

- A review of the self-titled EP by The Skylife will be posted on Wednesday.

- An interview with Art Wong and the Greenwood should be up on Thursday.

- Beginning this Friday, the 10 in 10 feature will become weekly-ish, hopefully as a Friday thing.

- I will also be getting a review up of Spin’s Purplish Rain FREE tribute to Prince. It comes out Tuesday… get it for on Spin’s website.

Here’s some other stuff coming up in the next few weeks or so:

- RAA and UUVVWWZ are on their way as I speak. Expect reviews of their stuff soon.

- For my metalhead readers, an interview with Culted of Relapse Records will be up in the coming weeks. Expect a review of their new album in early to mid July.

- Pioneer indie label Taang! is sending over new albums by Everybody Out! (featuring former Dropkick Murphys guitarist) and Evacuate. Expect reviews of both in the next few weeks.

-Expect a movie review or two thrown in this or next week. I did just watch Ultrachrist! this weekend. It will be hard to put it into words, but I’ll do my best.

Other cool stuff:

- I just started getting followed by a guy on Twitter in a group called Mob Zombie. How can hip-hop about zombies not be considered inexplicably rad? I hope to get in touch and get an interview and/or review hooked up soon.

- CookBook’s I Love the 80’s is officially out on Tuesday. Don’t forget to get your copy… it’s FREE!

Well, I guess that’s it. Enjoy what’s to come on TPM, my toil is your gain… well, at least I hope it is.