thepaintedman rates this:

Assuming all movies start out in my head somewhere around 6 or 7 stars (I try to go in optimistically), this one went in with 8. The concept was hilarious and my expectations about production value and plot were low, thus allowing me to grade on a nice steep curve. Unfortunately, it didn’t even live up to the low standard I was to be grading it on and by the mid point of the movie, my wife and I had it on but weren’t really paying too much attention.

So, we’ll do this review a bit differently, seeing as how my attention was in and out. Rather than a simple review, I’ll show you how I came up with my 3 star rating.

Starting Point: 8 stars.

-3 for Jesus having glued on facial hair (5)
+2 for Jesus in spandex superhero costume (7)
-4 for the annoying angels (3)
+2 for having the Antichrist be the NYC Parks Commissioner (5)
+2 for involvement of Vlad the Impaler (7)
-3 for involvement of Jim Morrison (4)
-1 for Richard Nixon being a supervillian (3)
+1 for Richard Nixon being a guy in a crappy Nixon mask (4)
-4 for the hideously annoying Klezmer soundtrack (0)
+3 for the following quote (3)

The crucifix is the symbol of Christianity? I HATED the crucifix! OUCH!

-2 for Jesus’s erectile stigmata (1)
+1 for Jesus destroying Adolf Hitler (2)
+2 for Jesus decreeing sex no longer a sin (4)
-1 for the sex decree thing going over the top (3)
+3 for being compared to JCVH (6)
-3 for not being nearly as cool as JCVH (3)

So there you have it, folks. Ultrachrist!… 3 stars. Bad, but not quite Freddie Got Fingered bad.

If you happened to see it, why not tell me what you think?

This week, I decided not to layout what was getting published on the site when… because last week I was incredibly off. I can say that you can expect an interview with Heather from Kissing Cousins and a VBM update tomorrow. I have a whole bunch of reviews in the works, I’d expect UUVVWWZ to hit the site by the end of the week, maybe another one as well.

On the horizon: RAA review, The Young Werewolves interview, NSN review, JustMe review, and Culted review. Also, some great beers should hit the site, including Labatt’s Honey Lager, the newest in Troegs scratch beer series, and (per Harry “The Kid” Henderson’s request) Miller Lite.

For now, I leave you with this great joke that my father forwarded to me. It’s actually from Christianity Today’s daily joke email.

When Jerry Garcia died, he woke up and found himself on a stage on which a number of instruments were set up. A door offstage opened and in walked Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding and Buddy Holly.

Each musician picked up his favorite instrument and began tuning up.

Jerry walked up to Jimi and said, “Man, so this is what heaven is like.”

Jimi looked at him and said, “Heaven? You think this is heaven?”

At that moment, Karen Carpenter walked in, took her seat behind the drums, and called out, “Okay guys, ‘Close to You.’ One, two, three, four!”