thepaintedman rates this:

Assuming all movies start out in my head somewhere around 6 or 7 stars (I try to go in optimistically), this one went in with 8. The concept was hilarious and my expectations about production value and plot were low, thus allowing me to grade on a nice steep curve. Unfortunately, it didn’t even live up to the low standard I was to be grading it on and by the mid point of the movie, my wife and I had it on but weren’t really paying too much attention.

So, we’ll do this review a bit differently, seeing as how my attention was in and out. Rather than a simple review, I’ll show you how I came up with my 3 star rating.

Starting Point: 8 stars.

-3 for Jesus having glued on facial hair (5)
+2 for Jesus in spandex superhero costume (7)
-4 for the annoying angels (3)
+2 for having the Antichrist be the NYC Parks Commissioner (5)
+2 for involvement of Vlad the Impaler (7)
-3 for involvement of Jim Morrison (4)
-1 for Richard Nixon being a supervillian (3)
+1 for Richard Nixon being a guy in a crappy Nixon mask (4)
-4 for the hideously annoying Klezmer soundtrack (0)
+3 for the following quote (3)

The crucifix is the symbol of Christianity? I HATED the crucifix! OUCH!

-2 for Jesus’s erectile stigmata (1)
+1 for Jesus destroying Adolf Hitler (2)
+2 for Jesus decreeing sex no longer a sin (4)
-1 for the sex decree thing going over the top (3)
+3 for being compared to JCVH (6)
-3 for not being nearly as cool as JCVH (3)

So there you have it, folks. Ultrachrist!… 3 stars. Bad, but not quite Freddie Got Fingered bad.

If you happened to see it, why not tell me what you think?

This review was originally posted on Crap Filter.

thepaintedman rates this:

The lesbians are dying off and vampires are to blame. The vampires are harvesting skin for some wacked out scientist and they are choosing lesbians because no one will miss them. The local priests know they need to stop the vampires and in order to do so they need to enlist vampire enemy #1, JC himself. Two priests go to the lake (where Jesus is baptizing believers) in order to go recruit Christ’s help and when explaining the situation, vampires attack. Jesus turns it on and kicks ass, but the two priests die in the process. Jesus goes back to the city, meets Mary Magnum and she helps him gets a modern makeover so that he looks more like he fits in. Jesus proceeds to then kick vampire ass for another hour or so and in the end he brings some folks back to life, turns vamps back into humans, and facilitates lesbian love.

A truly touching story…

After much anticipation and a broken disc fiasco, Netflix finally sent me Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. Though admittedly my expectations were low, it did meet (and possibly even slightly exceed) my expectations. (more…)