…with Your Pants on the Ground!

This is funny as hell and any time the Cowboys are mocked is a good time. Enjoy and Happy New Year!

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There are many great and many not-so-great Christmas movies. Focusing on the great ones, I began preparing a top 10 list, but then I decided against that and instead wanted to focus simply on my favorite Christmas movie.

There were many options that I had to sift through in my mind. I grew up watching A Christmas Story with my good friend Jon (that and Adventures in Babysitting were on heavy rotation for a good 5 years of our adolescence). When I was in high school, TNT/TBS began showing the movie for 24 hours. After a couple of years, this movie was no longer quite as awesome due to the incredible inundation. Still one of the best, but it’s chance at number 1 diminished.

Some of the classic kids’ movies like the original Rudolph, Grinch, and Frosty movies could sneak into my top choices, but none can be my number 1, either. Jingle All the Way certainly got some serious consideration for the 1 spot, as did Home Alone. Both are great light-hearted family films, but just aren’t quite there.

So, what wins? National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation? Good guess, but, no. It’s another top 10 for sure. But that top spot is reserved for one of the funniest films I’ve ever seen, a movie my wife and I quote year round, a movie that is certainly under appreciated, and a movie that occasionally makes me wet myself just a little bit. That movie is: Just Friends. So, now I bring you my full review of this incredibly funny movie.

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thepaintedman rates this:

I know, I know. Giving this movie two and a half stars is, indeed, a bit high. However, there is a bit of nostalgia and sentimentality involved in that… subtract those extra points and the few hilarious quotes, and then I’d imagine that this movie would be rated about half a star. Point blank: Freddy Got Fingered sucked.

The basic plot, for those who are not familiar with this 2001 film, is as follows: Gord, Tom’s Green’s character, leaves home in his Le Baron to go become an animator. After failing, he returns home, fights with his father (Rip Torn) and tells the psychiatrist that his father fingers his younger brother, Freddy (played by the guy who plays Finch in American Pie). Freddy gets put in a home for abused kids, Gord’s mom leaves his dad, and Gord gets BJs from a nympho paraplegic. Eventually, he sells his cartoon to Dave Davidson for one million dollars, then spends it on ridiculous crap.

Seriously, this movie is God-awful. The saddest part of it all is that I am watching it right now. It’s the longest 80 minutes of all-time and there is very little in the way of anything worthwhile in the film. Did I mention how much the film makes me cringe?

At least there are some good quotes: “My hooves! Listen to my hooves!”

thepaintedman rates this:

After years of previews and waiting for this freaking movie to come out, it finally has. With an extremely limited theater release in February, for most people (including myself) Fanboys being released on DVD yesterday was the first chance to see the film.

With an incredibly funny cast, tons of great dorky Sci-Fi references, and amazing cameos, Fanboys was worth the wait. Here’s what you need to know:

Three friends (Chris Marquette, Dan Fogler, and Jay Baruchel) are reunited with another friend from high school (Sam Huntington) at a Halloween party. Eric (Huntington) and Linus (Marquette) can’t see eye to eye after formerly being best friends, but when Eric is told by the others that Linus is dying of cancer, he realizes that he needs to fix their relationship. His plan: to carry through plans made in 5th grade to invade George Lucas’s Skywalker Ranch. While there, they will steal the rough cut of The Phantom Menace and be the first fans to see the first in the prequel trilogy.

During the journey, the fanboys get arrested and bailed out by their friend Zoe (Kristen Bell). They encounter a group of Trekkies (led by Seth Rogen), pick up some hookers and fight their pimp (also Seth Rogen), get help from William Shattner, and eventually achieve their goal of getting into the ranch. Some of the nerds fall in love, some become best friends again, and some get to see Episode 1: The Phantom Menace in George Lucas’s private screening room.

May the force be with you… and next time you are fighting for the front seat in your friend’s car, remember to call “Chewy”.

thepaintedman rates this:

Please be not offended by the title. Blasphemy be damned… the title comes from a line in this year’s funniest, raunchiest, most action packed film. In fact, Pineapple Express is the best buddy comedy of all time as far as I’m concerned. A man, his drug dealer, a friend that just won’t die, and a cast of other oddball characters create laughter, action, and lots of foul language.

When Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) sees the man that he is supposed to serve a subpoena to (Gary Cole partner up with a female police officer (Rosie Perez) to kill a man at his home, he throws his Pineapple Express filled joint out his car window and speeds over to his drug dealer’s home. In the midst of being high and freaking out uncontrollably, he fails to realize that the weed he is smoking is extremely rare and is only available in town through one dealer. When he arrives at the home of his dealer, Saul (James Franco), they realize after some more smoking and attempts at relaxing that the rarity of the weed gives up his identity as the man who witnessed the murder. This is primarily due to the fact that the man who committed the murder is Saul’s supplier’s supplier. The evil head drug dealer guy sends goons to find Dale and Saul.

Confused? Don’t be. It’s easy enough to follow… man witnesses murder then gets chased by goons after being identified due to smoking really rare marijuana. Turns out the evil dealer guy sends the goons because he believes that Dale and Saul are working with the Asian drug cartel that he is in a harsh rivalry with. The goons are one of the best parts of the movie. One is that guy who plays DiCaprio’s cousin in The Departed (Kevin Corrigan) and the other is Darrell from The Office (Craig Robinson). The duo is often in turmoil, as Darrell views DiCaprio’s cousin as “getting soft”, while Darrell is very sexually ambiguous and looks like a 1980’s Mr. T clone. It’s pure awesome.

Enter Red (Danny McBride), Saul’s supplier, the middle man between evil guy and Saul… from the point he enters the movie, he gets his ass kicked all over the screen. The first fight scene involving Red, Saul, and Dale is the best fight on the big screen since Yoda rocked out in Episode II. Red sells Dale and Saul out, then rejoins them later because it’s gotta be “Bros before Hoes” or so he says.

There is a ton of action in this movie. This includes several awesome chase scenes, including a car chase where Saul drives a stole police car with the windshield covered in Slurpee and his foot stuck through. There are also a few great fights and a most ridiculous shootout. Sound awesome? Well it is. And I still haven’t mentioned that Denton is dating a hot 18 year old high school student or the black and white opening sequence featuring Bill Hader as an awesomely funny military Private or what appears to be Dale and Saul committing perverse homosexual acts.

Despite the movie being a vehicle for blue humor and excessive explosions, it is definitely not merely such a vehicle. The situational comedy is brilliant and the overall plot includes some really well thought out plot points. The certainly is tons of excess , from an ear being shot off to one of the goons being cut in half by a car, but it all works. I love comedies and I love Rogen. I love Franco and I love the guy who plays Darrell in The Office. I love blood and guts. I love explosions. Overall, I love this movie.

Saul: What’s down there, a fucking Rancor?

How is this quote not enough to make you need to see this? I leave you with a few more quotes to show you how awesome this movie is. Go see it now!

Budlofsky: [Matheson is smoking weed] No, I can’t have any. My wife can smell that off my sweater.
Matheson: [laughs] You want my vest? It smell good.
Budlofsky: It’s not my style.
Matheson: You ain’t got no style, muthafucka.

Dale Denton: Yeah but if you do bad stuff you’re going to come back as something bad like a slug or an anal bead. But if you do something heroic then you’ll come back as like an eagle or a dragon, or Jude Law. Now which would you rather be?
Red: The anal bead wouldn’t be bad. I mean I guess it would depend on whose anal bead it was.
Dale Denton: It’s *my* anal bead.

This review was originally posted on Crap Filter.

thepaintedman rates this:

The lesbians are dying off and vampires are to blame. The vampires are harvesting skin for some wacked out scientist and they are choosing lesbians because no one will miss them. The local priests know they need to stop the vampires and in order to do so they need to enlist vampire enemy #1, JC himself. Two priests go to the lake (where Jesus is baptizing believers) in order to go recruit Christ’s help and when explaining the situation, vampires attack. Jesus turns it on and kicks ass, but the two priests die in the process. Jesus goes back to the city, meets Mary Magnum and she helps him gets a modern makeover so that he looks more like he fits in. Jesus proceeds to then kick vampire ass for another hour or so and in the end he brings some folks back to life, turns vamps back into humans, and facilitates lesbian love.

A truly touching story…

After much anticipation and a broken disc fiasco, Netflix finally sent me Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. Though admittedly my expectations were low, it did meet (and possibly even slightly exceed) my expectations. (more…)

thepaintedman rates this:

Vagina Dentata is a classic folktale of a toothed vagina capable to chomping an unwelcome penis off of a man during intercourse. Sounds fun, doesn’t it? Well, maybe not, but it does sound like a great idea for a horror comedy. Myths regarding killer anatomy definitely fall into the category of “things that should be made into a movie” in my book, thus when I heard of a film with a plot surrounding Vagina Dentata, it shot directly to the top of my Netflix list. However, after watching this film (yet before writing this review) I decided to look the myth of the killer cooch up in Google. One would assume that this type of thing could never truly happen, but upon this further study it seems to be a possibility according to at least one medical website:

Dermoid cysts are derived from the outer layers of embryonic skin, and they are capable of growing hair and teeth and bones, anything that comes from the outer layers of the embryo. They can occur anywhere.

That said, 2008’s indie film Teeth goes beyond dermoid cysts and right into full on razor sharp chompers. Dawn O’Keefe (Jess Weixler) doesn’t realize that her vagina is inhabited by the flesh-eating bicuspids until her Jesus-freak church-going boyfriend suddenly decides to forcefully rape her. The result of said attack, he loses his life, and, of course, his member.

Her boyfriend is not the only victim of the killer canines, as a boy from school and her half brother find themselves in some wacky mishaps of the wang, as well.

It’s easy to see that the film is going to be an entertaining one from the start, when a young boy and girl start playing “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” and the boy loses a finger. Disappoint you, this film will not. Not only does the film tackle some legitimate sexual issues in our society while coupling said issues with a ridiculously wonderful sense of grotesque fascination, but it also doesn’t shy away from showing some very realistic gore in the form of mutilated man flesh. The social commentary does possibly fall a bit short at time, but with such a ridiculous tale of awesomeness, who cares?

See the film, unless of course you are squeamish or scared of vaginas.