thepaintedman rates this:

Assuming all movies start out in my head somewhere around 6 or 7 stars (I try to go in optimistically), this one went in with 8. The concept was hilarious and my expectations about production value and plot were low, thus allowing me to grade on a nice steep curve. Unfortunately, it didn’t even live up to the low standard I was to be grading it on and by the mid point of the movie, my wife and I had it on but weren’t really paying too much attention.

So, we’ll do this review a bit differently, seeing as how my attention was in and out. Rather than a simple review, I’ll show you how I came up with my 3 star rating.

Starting Point: 8 stars.

-3 for Jesus having glued on facial hair (5)
+2 for Jesus in spandex superhero costume (7)
-4 for the annoying angels (3)
+2 for having the Antichrist be the NYC Parks Commissioner (5)
+2 for involvement of Vlad the Impaler (7)
-3 for involvement of Jim Morrison (4)
-1 for Richard Nixon being a supervillian (3)
+1 for Richard Nixon being a guy in a crappy Nixon mask (4)
-4 for the hideously annoying Klezmer soundtrack (0)
+3 for the following quote (3)

The crucifix is the symbol of Christianity? I HATED the crucifix! OUCH!

-2 for Jesus’s erectile stigmata (1)
+1 for Jesus destroying Adolf Hitler (2)
+2 for Jesus decreeing sex no longer a sin (4)
-1 for the sex decree thing going over the top (3)
+3 for being compared to JCVH (6)
-3 for not being nearly as cool as JCVH (3)

So there you have it, folks. Ultrachrist!… 3 stars. Bad, but not quite Freddie Got Fingered bad.

If you happened to see it, why not tell me what you think?

1. The Mars Volta – Octahedron: Not interested – call Ward and reform At the Drive In!

2. YTCracker – Nerdrap Entertainment System: 2005’s best free download. Still rocks today.

3. Forgetting Sarah Marshall: “I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes.”

4. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans: By far, the best Underworld movie. Great plot. Solid flick.

5. Abdominal – Escape from the Pigeon Hole: I also give a fuck about an ice cold Guinness.

6. The Hangover: Another seemingly awesome movie I have to wait to see.

7. True Blood: Season 1: Interview with a Vampire for the MTV generation.

8. Kate Voegele – A Fine Mess: Yes, I like One Tree Hill, but not this chick.

9. Eminem – Relapse: All I can think of is Bruno’s ass.

10. Family Force 5 – Business Up Front Party in the Back: Much cooler than their boy band-ish name.

thepaintedman rates this:

I know, I know. Giving this movie two and a half stars is, indeed, a bit high. However, there is a bit of nostalgia and sentimentality involved in that… subtract those extra points and the few hilarious quotes, and then I’d imagine that this movie would be rated about half a star. Point blank: Freddy Got Fingered sucked.

The basic plot, for those who are not familiar with this 2001 film, is as follows: Gord, Tom’s Green’s character, leaves home in his Le Baron to go become an animator. After failing, he returns home, fights with his father (Rip Torn) and tells the psychiatrist that his father fingers his younger brother, Freddy (played by the guy who plays Finch in American Pie). Freddy gets put in a home for abused kids, Gord’s mom leaves his dad, and Gord gets BJs from a nympho paraplegic. Eventually, he sells his cartoon to Dave Davidson for one million dollars, then spends it on ridiculous crap.

Seriously, this movie is God-awful. The saddest part of it all is that I am watching it right now. It’s the longest 80 minutes of all-time and there is very little in the way of anything worthwhile in the film. Did I mention how much the film makes me cringe?

At least there are some good quotes: “My hooves! Listen to my hooves!”

thepaintedman rates this:

After Jonathan Mostow did to Terminator what Joel Shumacher did to Batman, there would be obvious concern about making another film in the series… but I guess McG thought that if Christopher Nolan and Bale could save Batman than he and Bale could save Terminator. Fortunately for all the Arnold Schwarzenegger fans, McG delivered salvation, just as the title promises.

If you read other people’s reviews, you may find that most people wouldn’t agree with my notion that Salvation is a quality film. Don’t believe the Cretans. The film is a solid Sci-Fi film, with a solid plot, interesting sub plots (including my favorite character’s inner struggle to define who he is and who he will become), and allusions to the first two films (without ripping previous films off ala Austin Powers).

The plot does a great deal to further the overall story and explain what has been foreshadowed for the previous three films. We meet the young Kyle Reese. We see the initial creation the T-800. We learn how John Connor becomes the leader of resistance. And, we are introduced to the most interesting character in the series since the first movie.

Sam Worthington’s Marcus Wright is a highly intriguing character. Born a human, he is put to death in the first scene of the movie for the heinous murder of his family. The next time we meet him, he thinks he is human but that isn’t entirely true. Though his heart and brain are still human, he was rebuilt to become something all his own… part human, part machine.

As Marcus tries to find out what is going on and what he is, he protects Kyle Reese, helps the resistance, and becomes a real hero. What makes his journey so interesting is that the truth about who or what he is is revealed to him as the plot progresses. At at a turning point in his story, he is presented with the fact that despite the fact that he was completely unaware of it, he has led Connor into a trap. Rather than succumbing to this truth and buckling under the pressure, he decides that his humanity and his opportunity for redemption has presented itself.

Meanwhile, Connor is having an epic battle with the T-800 (a CGI version of the younger, buffer Arnold). The battle includes many nods back the the final battle between Connor’s mother and the T-800 in the original film. Like the final battles in both Terminator and T2, the machine seems to be winning… except in this film, the deciding factor in Connor’s life or death struggle is Marcus. While I can’t reveal any more without ruining the entire movie, Marcus Wright ultimately saves the resistance with his final heroic decision.

While many important things happen in the fourth installment of the series, the emergence of a half human, half robot character is the most significant. It changes the rules. It raises questions. Is Marcus still human? Can he be trusted? Will other hybrid robots emerge and what side will they be on? The line between man and machine has been blurred.

I conclude my review and praise of the film with a few notable allusions in Salvation to the older Terminator films:

-There is a scene where the Marcus, Kyle, and Star (a young girl, Kyle’s friend), escape from an outpost at a gas station while being chased by several different types of terminators. This chase scene is very reminiscent of the chase scene in T2 where the T-1000 chases John and the T-800.

-Prior to his rescue mission of Kyle Reese at SkyNet Central, John Connor lures a motorcycle terminator using a boombox. The song he plays is “You Could Be Mine” by Guns N’ Roses. This song is also played on John’s boombox in T2.

-During Connor’s ride to SkyNet on his motorcycle, there are several shots that harken to Arnold on his motorcycle in the older films. A particular slow motion shot of Connor jumping the bike into a pit in the new film is nearly identical to a shot in T2 of Schwarzenegger.

-As noted above, the final battle between the T-800 and John has many of the same elements as the battle that Sarah Connor has with the T-800 in the original. Even moreso, the final battle of T2 lends much of it’s backdrop and battle tactics (notably, covering the terminator in lava and freezing the terminator) to the new film.

-And, of course, Christian Bale, as John Connor, says the obligatory line when asked by one of his men what to tell the others when he leaves… “I’ll be back.”

thepaintedman rates this:

After years of previews and waiting for this freaking movie to come out, it finally has. With an extremely limited theater release in February, for most people (including myself) Fanboys being released on DVD yesterday was the first chance to see the film.

With an incredibly funny cast, tons of great dorky Sci-Fi references, and amazing cameos, Fanboys was worth the wait. Here’s what you need to know:

Three friends (Chris Marquette, Dan Fogler, and Jay Baruchel) are reunited with another friend from high school (Sam Huntington) at a Halloween party. Eric (Huntington) and Linus (Marquette) can’t see eye to eye after formerly being best friends, but when Eric is told by the others that Linus is dying of cancer, he realizes that he needs to fix their relationship. His plan: to carry through plans made in 5th grade to invade George Lucas’s Skywalker Ranch. While there, they will steal the rough cut of The Phantom Menace and be the first fans to see the first in the prequel trilogy.

During the journey, the fanboys get arrested and bailed out by their friend Zoe (Kristen Bell). They encounter a group of Trekkies (led by Seth Rogen), pick up some hookers and fight their pimp (also Seth Rogen), get help from William Shattner, and eventually achieve their goal of getting into the ranch. Some of the nerds fall in love, some become best friends again, and some get to see Episode 1: The Phantom Menace in George Lucas’s private screening room.

May the force be with you… and next time you are fighting for the front seat in your friend’s car, remember to call “Chewy”.

thepaintedman rates this:

Directed by the mind behind Saw II, Saw III, and Saw IV (Darren Lynn Bousmann), this horror musical is Little Shop of Horrors for the 21st century. Set in a semi-post-apocalyptic world where people can get new organs on loan, it takes the question of what someone is willing to do for love to new, creepy levels.

In the year 2056, after an epidemic nearly wipes out humanity, a company rises to the challenge, harvesting new organs to saves those in need. The problem is that many end up unable to pay their debts to this company. A law is passed allowing the company to repossess the organs once the debtor is giving what is considered ample time to repay their debt. Meanwhile, Zydrate, an extremely powerful and addictive painkiller, takes hold of society and creates an epidemic of its own.

Shilo Wallace (Spy Kids star Alexa Vega), emerges as the beautiful young protagonist, locked in her own home due to illness (or, so she thinks). Her father’s love is her prison and, as horrible as this world is, she longs to be part of it. Blood, guts, songs, dance numbers, and a narrating grave robbing drug dealer come together to tell her story and the story of the Repo Man.

Like Little Shop (1986 version) and Rocky Horror before it, Repo! The Genetic Opera uses the elements of Sci-Fi, Horror, and Musical genres to create an intriguing look into love and the madness that surrounds it. In Little Shop, Seymour kills people and feeds them to his giant man-eating plant to help Mr. Mushnik and impress the girl of his dreams. He does what he does for the love of his boss and Audrey. In Rocky Horror, the themes of love and madness are very blatant. Frankenfurter is in a constant struggle to find the perfect love in order to fill a void inside of him. Love is disguised as sex, sex is disguised as love, and this madness of love leads to murder, devastation, and pure insanity.

Repo! is no different in this respect. It is about love and madness, notably the horrible lengths that people will go to because of love. Two of the central characters commit heinous acts due to their Othello-like madness of love. Rotti Largo (Romeo and Juliet’s Paul Sorvino), the founder and owner of GeneCo (the company that harvests, sells, and repossesses organs), kills the woman he loves and frames her lover in order to blackmail him into servitude. Nathan Wallace (TV’s Buffy: The Vampire Slayer’s Anthony Stewart Head), enslaves his own daughter, using quite drastic measures, due to his fear of losing her to the evils of the world. Both of these seemingly wicked men commit these crimes out of love.

Overall, an extremely interesting and powerful movie, an instant cult classic. Paris Hilton’s face falls off, a woman stabs her own eyes out, and all the while you find yourself singing along. Love, apparently, knows no bounds.

thepaintedman rates this:

Frank Miller is a genius in his medium. As a graphic novelist, he has written many of the best stories ever told in a comic book. Adaptations of his novels have produced some of this decade’s best action movies, notably Sin City, Batman Begins (based on Batman: Year One), and 300. As a producer and consultant, he has helped in ensuring the retellings of his classic tales have been stellar. Unfortunately, as a director of the film adaptation of Will Eisner’s The Spirit, Mr. Miller comes up quite short.

Marketed as a Sin City-esque stylized action flick, The Spirit lacks the character development and strong plot that could legitimize any comparisons to the first installment of the Sin City series. Not only is the film not comparable in its quality, but it is not a film created in the same genre. The Spirit is film-noir with a Frank Miller flair: an old school detective movie with the additions of big budget effects and extreme stylizing. The look and feel of the movie scream Sin City, but that’s where all similarities cease.

There are some positive things to say about the film, so I can’t just leave them out… firstly, Sammy J plays a fantastic villain as “The Octopus”. Scarlett Johansson is a fantastic sidekick to Jackson, as well. In fact, the movie, as whole, is quite well acted. It may simply be fair to say that this movie is a good example of the old belief that great actors can’t save a bad script.

I have never read Will Eisner’s original material and thanks to this weak film, I don’t intend to.

thepaintedman rates this:

Please be not offended by the title. Blasphemy be damned… the title comes from a line in this year’s funniest, raunchiest, most action packed film. In fact, Pineapple Express is the best buddy comedy of all time as far as I’m concerned. A man, his drug dealer, a friend that just won’t die, and a cast of other oddball characters create laughter, action, and lots of foul language.

When Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) sees the man that he is supposed to serve a subpoena to (Gary Cole partner up with a female police officer (Rosie Perez) to kill a man at his home, he throws his Pineapple Express filled joint out his car window and speeds over to his drug dealer’s home. In the midst of being high and freaking out uncontrollably, he fails to realize that the weed he is smoking is extremely rare and is only available in town through one dealer. When he arrives at the home of his dealer, Saul (James Franco), they realize after some more smoking and attempts at relaxing that the rarity of the weed gives up his identity as the man who witnessed the murder. This is primarily due to the fact that the man who committed the murder is Saul’s supplier’s supplier. The evil head drug dealer guy sends goons to find Dale and Saul.

Confused? Don’t be. It’s easy enough to follow… man witnesses murder then gets chased by goons after being identified due to smoking really rare marijuana. Turns out the evil dealer guy sends the goons because he believes that Dale and Saul are working with the Asian drug cartel that he is in a harsh rivalry with. The goons are one of the best parts of the movie. One is that guy who plays DiCaprio’s cousin in The Departed (Kevin Corrigan) and the other is Darrell from The Office (Craig Robinson). The duo is often in turmoil, as Darrell views DiCaprio’s cousin as “getting soft”, while Darrell is very sexually ambiguous and looks like a 1980’s Mr. T clone. It’s pure awesome.

Enter Red (Danny McBride), Saul’s supplier, the middle man between evil guy and Saul… from the point he enters the movie, he gets his ass kicked all over the screen. The first fight scene involving Red, Saul, and Dale is the best fight on the big screen since Yoda rocked out in Episode II. Red sells Dale and Saul out, then rejoins them later because it’s gotta be “Bros before Hoes” or so he says.

There is a ton of action in this movie. This includes several awesome chase scenes, including a car chase where Saul drives a stole police car with the windshield covered in Slurpee and his foot stuck through. There are also a few great fights and a most ridiculous shootout. Sound awesome? Well it is. And I still haven’t mentioned that Denton is dating a hot 18 year old high school student or the black and white opening sequence featuring Bill Hader as an awesomely funny military Private or what appears to be Dale and Saul committing perverse homosexual acts.

Despite the movie being a vehicle for blue humor and excessive explosions, it is definitely not merely such a vehicle. The situational comedy is brilliant and the overall plot includes some really well thought out plot points. The certainly is tons of excess , from an ear being shot off to one of the goons being cut in half by a car, but it all works. I love comedies and I love Rogen. I love Franco and I love the guy who plays Darrell in The Office. I love blood and guts. I love explosions. Overall, I love this movie.

Saul: What’s down there, a fucking Rancor?

How is this quote not enough to make you need to see this? I leave you with a few more quotes to show you how awesome this movie is. Go see it now!

Budlofsky: [Matheson is smoking weed] No, I can’t have any. My wife can smell that off my sweater.
Matheson: [laughs] You want my vest? It smell good.
Budlofsky: It’s not my style.
Matheson: You ain’t got no style, muthafucka.

Dale Denton: Yeah but if you do bad stuff you’re going to come back as something bad like a slug or an anal bead. But if you do something heroic then you’ll come back as like an eagle or a dragon, or Jude Law. Now which would you rather be?
Red: The anal bead wouldn’t be bad. I mean I guess it would depend on whose anal bead it was.
Dale Denton: It’s *my* anal bead.

thepaintedman rates this:

The Dark Knight is breaking records, kicking ass, and taking names. It is just about everything you can expect for a sequel to an incredible superhero movie… new and interesting villains, plot twists, character development, and action that tops the original. TDK is a superb piece of cinema and one of the best movies made during the current comic book movie era, but the unfortunate truth is that, despite many claims that this is the best superhero movie of all-time, it is simply not that cut and dry.

The movie does boast the best performance of an insane villain since Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter. Ledger’s depiction of the Joker, owed in part to books like The Killing Joke and even moreso to Ledger’s commitment to the psychopathic Joker role, is as good as the critics have been saying. Calling Ledger’s performance Oscar worthy is completely legitimate. His mysterious death intensifies the creepiness of the performance, but the sheer ability to transform himself into the most menacing supervillain ever portrayed on the big screen demonstrates how much of a loss to Hollywood Ledger’s death truly was.

The action is superb, the cinematography is bar none, and the plot is one of the best superhero stories ever put to film… but there are some critiques. No one wants to be the buzzkill and so far as the early reviews go, no one has been. Despite the overall feeling of critics that TDK is just about perfect, there are some legitimate critiques of the second installment of Nolan’s take on The Caped Crusader.

First and foremost, Batman Begins ends with the Narrows lost to Crane’s panic drug and The Dark Knight doesn’t address how Gotham dealt with cleaning that mess up. A simple one or two lines thrown in a discussion somewhere in the sequel could have tied up what should be considered a significant loose end.

Addititonally, while Maggie Gyllenhaal is a far superior actress than Katie Holmes is, Maggie didn’t portray Rachel Dawes in the same style as Katie did. This, unfortunately, was replacing one distraction (Holmes’s poor acting) with another (Gyllenhaal’s Dawes character seeming to be a completely different character than in Begins). Gyllenhaal was less bitchy and hard-edged. One could possibly argue that Dawes was simply less bitchy at this point in her life, as she was now in love; but, it’s hard to buy that a strong, cocky young Assistant District Attorney would suddenly lose her edge just because she was in love. This issue is an unfortunate reality of two different actors playing the same role.

Overall, the movie is, indeed, incredible. However, the critics continue to herald it as flawless, which it is not. There are few arguments that could keep this movie out of the top 5 superhero movies of all-time, but at least a few to keep it from being #1. It is the movie of the summer, likely the movie of the year, and many people (myself included) will see this movie multiple times in the theaters… but beating out Begins or X2 in the fight for the title of Best Superhero Movie may prove to be a difficult task for this film.